the woes of internet dating

So I am a woman of a certain age who is basically the only single girl in my group of friends. Most everyone else is married, engaged or seriously dating someone. I have previously paid for 2 different dating sites and didn't really get anywhere. I was rejected by normal guys almost daily, had less than desirable candidates try to woo me and was stood up 3 times.
Fast Forward about 2 years... I am still single, with pretty much no game. I join a free dating site and make sure that my pictures are fun and cute. I try to sell myself the best I can and post my profile. (I, for the record, think that I am a decent catch).
The emails/ contacts that I have received have really made me rethink this whole thing. And manners have taught me that I cannot exactly respond to these contact the way I really want to. SO... here is how I would, if I had the balls.

To HotGuy8151949: Ok, I know your profile says you are only 50 (like that is acceptable) and that my age limit is 35, I know that you are really 60 and therefore, I could NEVER date someone that is old enough to be my dad and I do not care that you had a dream in which I was the perfect mate for you. YOU ARE OLD.

To BMoreishotforyou: I don't care that even though you don't have "baby mama drama," the fact that you have more than 1 child with more than one mother at the age of 25 makes me think that you are not really the most responsible person. I don't need any kids right now, and I know this is terrible but, if you ask me "How you doin? You fine. How'z about we meet?" I am going to turn you down just for your grammer. I am not opposed to small mistakes in grammer, but blatant disregard for basic verbs, does immediately get a delete from my inbox.

To every shirtless guy who messages me: I do not want to see topless pictures of you, and this will not convince me to show you mine.

To the normalish guys who get my real email: STOP TURING INTO PERVS 2 seconds after you get my real email. I do not want to be your facebook friend before I've ever met you. I do not want to set up a time to come and give you an erotic massage (my profile clearly states I am looking for a relationship, not a f*ck buddy.) I will also not tell you that I want to lick you, have a 3-some or go to your ex-girlfriend (who is 400lbs.) wedding to show that you can get a skinnier date.

Where have all the good guys gone?!

textsfromlastnight.com

So textsfromlastnight.com has been my newest obsession. I knew about it and checked it out awhile ago but now I'm checking it every day. Here are some of my favs:

WARNING: May not be suitable for younger viewers

(856): you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb

(201): Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.

(419): dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"

(631): After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
(1-631): that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her

(845): u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap

(407): You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.

(501): i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.

(937): you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.

(425): Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap

(516): Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

(917): well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'

(609): I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.

(847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

(124): Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

(917): half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.

(978): just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors

(423): today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married

(570): can you come get me at the bar
(301): ill be there in 10 min
(570): can we stop off at build a bear on the way home

(978): Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.

(937): i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus

(973): gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.

(817): What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?

(401): OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.

(307): If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...


(519): Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.

(406): my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute

(803): Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.

(616): i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.


(650): dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
(805): 1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.

(1-415): What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
(415): Irish Spring?

(386): after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

(361): What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
(1-361): These are the tickets we got last night.
(361): Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
(1-361): Yes...yes you did.

(862): textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
(973): that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.

(402): I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.

(718): We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun

(919): I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.

(828): There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
(402): Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
(402): The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"

(214): Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.

(641): I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.

(321): I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.

Nostalgia

So I’ve been so bored at work that I live for textsfromlastnight.com. They’re hilarious! Well there was this one that I appreciated: (401): OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
So that made me think of Hocus Pocus and the kid who played Max and how he was on Eerie, Indiana. Then that got be thinking about old Disney and Nickelodeon shows. Then that led to snick, and TGIF and all the wonderful shows of the 90’s. Therefore to pass my time at work I have compiled a list of old 90’s shows that I loved. Hope this entertains you/brings back some good memories.

Addams Family
Adventures in Wonderland
Ahhh! Real Monsters
All That
Animaniacs
Are you Afraid of the Dark?
Baby Sitter's Club
Bobby’s World
Boy Meets World
Breaker High
Bug Juice
California Dreams
Clarissa Explains it All
Cosby Show
Cryptkeeper
Daria
Dawsons
Dinosaurs
Double Dare
Doug
Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman
Eerie, Indiana
Family Matters
Flash Forward
Fraggle Rock
Freaks and Geeks
Full House
Gullah Gullah Island
Gummi Bears
Guts
Hangin’ with Mr. Cooper
Hey Dude!
Home Improvement
Honey, I shrunk the kids
Kids INC.
Land of the Lost
Legends of the Hidden Temple
Muppet Babies
My Little Pony
My So Called Life
Pepper Ann
Perfect Strangers
Pete and Pete
Pinky and the Brain
Popples
Recess
Relic Hunter
Road to Avonlea
Rocko's Modern Life
Roseanne,
Rugrats
Sabrina the Teenage Witch
Salute Your Shorts
Saved By the Bell
Secret World of Alex Mack
Sister, Sister
Smurfs
So Weird
Step By Step
Sweet Valley High
The New MMC
Tiny Toons
TMNT
The Torkelson's
Ureka's Castle
What Would You Do?
Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?
Winnie the Pooh
Young American

The balloon boy rap

When the balloon boy was really popular (well kinda still is) a girl posted the first line as her status in facebook. Her friends then commented on the status adding a line each to finish the rap. It's sung to the Fresh Prince of Bel Air theme song. So creative. I hope it brightens your day:

And I’d like to take a minute just sit right there and I’ll tell you how I took off in a balloon filled with hot air
In eastern Colorado born and raised chasin’ tornadoes is how I spent most of my days. Chillin’ in a basket, laxin all cool, and shootin some helium out by the pool. When a couple of winds who were up to no good started pushing me out my neighborhood. I took on little flight and my mom got scared. She said you’re moving with your new mom from Wife Swap in a balloon filled with hot aire. I fell out of a box and won’t turn 7 or 8 and I yelled to the balloon, “going don, smell ya later!” They google Earth’d me on Wolf Blitzer, I was finally there. Safe in my home, known as the prince of hot air.

Co-Worker Nightmare

So I'm sure everyone has that one co-worker. The one who brown-noses, listens to every conversation, is very condescending, and is just a plain bitch/asshole. NO? Well I do. MY GOD do I. When I first started I could tell right off the bat that I wasn't going to like her. I just didn't know the extent. Now 7 months later, every day is a struggle for me. All the irritations range from her giving me things that she should be doing not me (and she's not even my boss) to her over hearing conversations that I'm having with another co-worker and giving her two cents. She always has to be right about everything, fighting me tooth for nail on every point. Every day she does NOTHING but feels she has the right to rat on other people for "not doing their job" (even though they are). It's gotten to the point where even her appearance and how she looks is getting under my skin. From her turned up nose to her plastic looking skin to even her nubby fingers, which REALLY freaks me out. I don't know how much more of this woman I can take. It's gotten to the point where I come home every night and vent about the Nancy-isms that happened that day and during the night I'm plotting her murder in my dreams. I love the people I work with but it's because of her that I need to get out. I don't think I can take any more. I feel as though one day I'm just going to blow up. I hope it doesn't come to that point. But as for now, I bite my tongue and try to look forward to the weekend. :/

Dating woes

When it comes to dating I've only had one real date. Well, I guess now two. Neither one has gone past the second date. Which I really don't mind. But as you can tell I really need more experience. I'm 25 years old and have never really had a boyfriend. Just a little background info for you. Now for the second 1st date I've ever been on. I met this guy from eHarmony. Trying to get out of my shell and meet new people. We seemed to have a lot in common and I was really happy until..... Yup there's always a but in these types of situations. There were two main strikes against him before we even met. The first was something that happened 7 years before. He hooked up with a new friend of mine (small world huh?) and apparently some bad things happened. I won't go into detail but pretty creepy/shocking stuff. The second was he was into Star Wars. When I say into Star Wars, I mean he dresses up and takes Jedi classes, obsessed. The second creeped me out a bit but I figured I would give him a chance. So we went to the movies.... to see a animated movie.... in 3D. Did I mention he's almost 30? Yea, I felt like I was with a 12 year old. There's nothing wrong with 3D animation movies or Star Wars but you would think being almost 30 he would kinda grow out of those things. Nope. Anyways the movie was really funny, the talking was kinda awkward but that date was ok. Then comes the walking to the car. Apparently I parked directly behind him without even knowing it. OUT OF ALL THE SPACES, I chose the one behind him. Weird huh? Well it get's a little weirder. We stood and talked and of course Star Wars comes up. He reaches in his car and pulls out his light saber (no that's not an induendo for something else) but a real light saber. Where it lights up and makes noises. One that he actually fights with in his Jedi class. Apprently they're called live action players and fight at these conventions. As you can tell this was the end of the date for me. How come I can never attract the normal guys? Always the weird ones. What's wrong with me... Oh well. I guess that must say alot about me as well.
....Until next time....