textsfromlastnight.com

So textsfromlastnight.com has been my newest obsession. I knew about it and checked it out awhile ago but now I'm checking it every day. Here are some of my favs:

WARNING: May not be suitable for younger viewers

(856): you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb

(201): Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.

(419): dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"

(631): After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
(1-631): that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her

(845): u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap

(407): You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.

(501): i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.

(937): you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.

(425): Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap

(516): Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

(917): well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'

(609): I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.

(847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

(124): Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

(917): half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.

(978): just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors

(423): today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married

(570): can you come get me at the bar
(301): ill be there in 10 min
(570): can we stop off at build a bear on the way home

(978): Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.

(937): i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus

(973): gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.

(817): What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?

(401): OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.

(307): If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...


(519): Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.

(406): my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute

(803): Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.

(616): i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.


(650): dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
(805): 1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.

(1-415): What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
(415): Irish Spring?

(386): after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

(361): What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
(1-361): These are the tickets we got last night.
(361): Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
(1-361): Yes...yes you did.

(862): textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
(973): that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.

(402): I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.

(718): We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun

(919): I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.

(828): There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
(402): Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
(402): The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"

(214): Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.

(641): I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.

(321): I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.